Hello, fellow Americans. We are the new Republican majority in the U.S. House of Representatives, and it is our honor to share our exciting plans for the weeks and months ahead.
Clearly the midterm elections didn’t go quite as we had hoped, but we are appropriately chastened and have fully heard the message that was sent: You all are tired of conspiracy theories and election denialism and prefer a focus on legislation that will make a difference in your lives.
Point taken. Now that we have a narrow majority in the House, we’re totally going to nail this.
Republicans heard the voters: Time to arrest Hunter Biden!
That’s why we’re proudly introducing the first of 37 investigations into Hunter Biden and his father, President Joe Biden, along with a number of new committees that will address the concerns of regular Americans like Sean Hannity, Donald Trump and Tucker Carlson.
Throughout the midterm election campaign, we talked to you about the meat and potato issues we promised to fix: rising inflation, illegal immigration and high gas prices.
What we didn’t tell you is we believe all those problems stem from Hunter Biden and a series of other scandalous things we have read about on the internet.
Why do the libs not seem to care about Hunter Biden being dangerous?
Predictably, the lazy liberals out there say things like, “Who cares about Hunter Biden?” and “If Hunter Biden broke the law, he should be prosecuted and, if convicted, punished appropriately – whatever.”
Nice try, libs. We know you care as deeply about Hunter Biden as we do, so one of our investigations will focus on why liberals don’t seem to care about Hunter Biden when we’re convinced they actually do.
GOP investigations are already yielding impressive results!
To demonstrate how prepared we are to govern, the House GOP on Thursday tweeted: “Hunter Biden’s laptop is REAL.”
That is one of the things we have already learned! Clearly, the fact the president’s adult son has a REAL laptop is problematic, and quite likely ties in with the exorbitant price of groceries.
You may be thinking: How will arresting Hunter Biden and his laptop and impeaching President Biden for a crime to be determined at a later date lower the prices of food or gas?
The answer is simple and, like the legislative plan we didn’t present during the campaign, it’s a secret! You’ll just need to trust us.
The House GOP committees will tackle the most pressing issues of the day
Of course we can’t fix every problem by investigating Hunter Biden, much like we can’t seem to get any made-up scandal to stick to his father.
That’s why we are immediately forming the following committees that reflect our newfound understanding of the issues most important to the American people:
►The Committee on the Eradication of Jewish Space Lasers, chaired by Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene.
►The Committee to Explain Why Everything We Said Was a Crisis During the Campaign Is No Longer a Crisis Now that We’re in Charge, chaired by Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan.
►The Committee to Investigate Anyone Tweeting Mean Things About Elon Musk, to be led by honorary chair and Twitter CEO Elon Musk.
►The Committee to Apologize to Great and Handsome Russian President Vladimir Putin and Immediately Take All Our Weapons Back from Evil Ukraine #WeLoveVlad, chaired by Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz.
►The Committee to Replace the Washington Monument with a Big, Beautiful Statue of (not-former) President Donald Trump, led by honorary co-chairs Donald Trump and MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell.
We promise to not get bogged down in conspiracies (too much!)
You all made the right decision putting us slightly in control of the House. We Republicans are ready to unify the country, work hard for the average American and prove, once and for all, that Republicans are sane and sensible legislators.
We will also prove that Hunter Biden is in a romantic relationship with “allegedly dead” former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, and that together they rigged the 2020 election using … you guessed it … Hunter’s laptop. (Marjorie Taylor Greene had the evidence proving it, but it was vaporized by a Jewish Space Laser.)
More humor columns from Rex Huppke:
After the ‘red wave’ flop, we need new male political experts who are always wrong. I’m in.
With Elon Musk ruining Twitter, it’s time to get back to hollering on street corners.
Americans take a stand for decency as the GOP red wave turns to dust, surprising all of us.